Roseburg has been quiet, not hellishly hot, and barely affected by the pandemic with a small number of cases. It’s been surreal but I know the invitation to move here was for more than just relocation of my business. It’s an invitation so I can have the freedom to feel again. Process the old wounds that may or may not be my own. Which as an empath is always something I have to assess as I can often take on the trauma of others if I’m not careful with boundaries. Something that was important but almost impossible to fully develop in LA.
The last two months I have been unpacking my life and reflecting on my time in LA and other places I’ve lived in that led me to this small, conservative town in Oregon in the middle of an election year while there are civil rights protests going on throughout our country, and still in worldwide pandemic. I have wanted to journal more but quite frankly, it’s been hard. It feels like a weird glitch in our simulation and one day I’ll just wake up to how things were or how I expected them to be. Where I’m at now is just a reroute right? Well, yes it is and many of us are embarking on a path that we never would have expected back in January.
I came across this photo from the humble beginnings of TSC taken around 6 years ago right when we first moved. It brought me back to a place where I remembered the difficulties that come with the terrifying choice to start my own business. I started my practice in LA from a place of survival with a severe case lack mentality, meaning I had no self-worth or done any work on my own energetic and monetary value. My health was fragile, my money was non-existent (paycheck to paycheck living), and I had no idea if anyone would want a different way of caring for skin. At that time, I was 27 and STILL hadn’t found a like-minded work environment that focused on skin health and education but rather burning out its employees for less than minimum wage.
The heaviness I’m unpacking hardly has anything to do with having to start over here in Roseburg. I know I can start over as I’ve done it before, many times. It’s more so releasing the constant pressure and influence of the LA wellness community had on me. Which in hindsight, I realize how extremely toxic it has been. I would spend thousands of dollars to keep up with the clothes, diet culture, and other lifestyle “necessities” designed for ladies that don’t look like me at all. I’m a woman with curves, fluctuating monthly in my weight due to a chronic illness that was only diagnosed in the last few months I lived in LA, I’m an immigrant, I don’t have a trust fund or a husband who funds my business, and my energy level was below empty regardless of my caffeine intake (due to adrenal fatigue as I would find out numerous times in LA).
It’s really hard to admit this, but I have never been more ashamed of my body than when I was in LA. Whether I was hosting, participating, or simply attending a social gathering with other people in “wellness” I often left crying, exhausted, and confused. I clued into my anxiety about these gatherings when I would consistently get the same physical symptoms no matter what the event was for:
First, I would lose my voice, which to me meant my throat chakra was shutting down. Unable to speak my truth or speak at all.
Second, I would bloat EVERYWHERE which caused all of my clothes to not fit well. The best part of any of those events would be when I could change into sweatpants and take off my bra once I arrived home.
Lastly, I would immediately feel the need to have a glass of wine, smoke some weed, and/or binge on food once I was out of those environments – soothing and numbing myself from the interactions that made me feel vulnerable or like I’m not good enough.
Needless to say, I vibrated at a very low frequency a good portion of the time. The times where I felt like I was thriving was when I got a lot of rest and alone time. And also when I got to see my clients one on one. I practiced radical intuition with clients who trusted me too. But to have a business in your home while fighting an undiagnosed chronic illness and managing a social media presence was just all too much. How I managed for so many years is because I am lucky to have enough people who believe in me around to support me.